Learn to Fail or Fail to Learn
“If we avoid hardships and challenges because we may fail,
the message we are sending ourselves is
that we are unable to deal with difficulty,
and our self-esteem suffers as a result.
But, if we do challenge ourselves,
the message we are sending ourselves,
the message we internalize, is
that we are resilient enough to handle potential failure.
Taking on challenges instead of avoiding them
has a greater long-term effect on our self-esteem
than winning or losing, failing or succeeding.”
“You will never truly know yourself,
or the strength of your relationships,
until both have been tested by adversity.”
~~ J.K. Rowling, Harvard Commencement 2008 ~~
In my group work with senior adults, one of the subjects that is a part of our discussion is about change. Change is one of the hardest things for us to do because we are so reluctant to try new things out of fear of failing. The image that comes to mind when I think about the things I wish to change about myself is my fear of sports. When I was a youngster, I played basketball, shot hockey pucks, lifted weights, hit baseballs, played ping-pong … with someone who had the need to play with someone whom he could beat. And I made a great partner for several years, despite losing all the time. I look back on that experience and wonder what the attraction was for me in that relationship, other than I needed the companionship, which meant more to me than my need to succeed. The net result is that I am not an athlete, even though I am an avid sports fan – of sorts.
The one sport that I admire most is mountain climbing. I admire those who are willing to brave the emotional strain of climbing a rock face in their attempt to pull themselves to the top, with the strength of their fingers and their toes. Getting a foothold in the door of a business, my guess, can be just as harrowing, when you are trying to climb to the top of your profession and there is a certain place you see yourself gaining the knowledge and experience that you need to get ahead, or to raise you up. I am sure that if I were to try such a feat, even though I knew that the harness that I was wearing would save me from falling, that fear would play a significant role in my reaching upwards, whether it be the fear of looking down and not seeing a floor beneath my feet, or the strain of trying to raise myself up given my weight – both physical and psychological. Yet, climbing mountains is what we must do to conquer our fears in life.
I remember from my childhood climbing the Blue Hill Mountains, going through the woods, following a marked trail, jumping over logs used as steps to hold back the earth on the dirt path. Every so often I would need to stop, not to admire the view, but more to catch my breath. I recall the same thing happening when I was several decades older, living in San Francisco, and climbing to the top of a mountain that overlooked the city and the port, as well as seeing the edge of the Rocky Mountains hundreds of miles away in the distance on a clear day.
Most recently, I climbed my way to the top of Massada, overlooking the Dead Sea and the Mountains of Moab in Jordan. We began our descent before the sun peaked out over the horizon to avoid the heat of the desert. Although I had not prepared adequately for the climb, I put one foot in front of the other with the hope that I would persevere in my trek up the mountain along what is known as the Snake Path to the top of this former fortress – asthma and bad knees excluded. What motivated me were my past memories of what awaited me at the top as well as a desire to achieve what I considered on some level to be somewhat impossible at my age and physical condition. It was a test of the spirit as well as the body. The exercise taught me that nothing is out of our grasp when we choose to change our attitude towards the things that we desire in life.
The doubts that threaten our forward progress seem to disappear when we find that spot inside of ourselves that propels us forward in our thinking and in our doing. I have been told that when climbing or ascending a high place, that one should not look down. Having been on a roller coaster and on a tram in an amusement park, I now understand more fully the wisdom of such advice. Although it provides us with a G-d-like view of what lies below, it can also paralyze us into submission to the forces that frighten us in our effort to move forward. So it is with our behavior. Looking at the past as though we have traveled a far greater distance from our comfort zone than we care to be in that moment can prevent us from doing teshuvah properly, from “returning” to a place of relative safety with our emotions and thoughts and our relationships.
From the Salanter Foundation I have learned the following advice about climbing mountains and overcoming the challenges that we may face in life, the difficult changes that await us as circumstances change, and we grow older and more frail. “WHEN we know we are properly equipped, WHEN we have learned the ropes, WHEN we have prepared ourselves for the challenges that will test us to the core,” only then are we equipped to see the new possibilities that can inspire us to be uplifted in our efforts to face the world as it is and what we need to do to become the individuals we desire to be. When climbing a mountain, our vision is limited to the face of the rock in front of us, and the sky above, because the bottom is shielded from our view. We must trust that with each step we take there is a mystery to be resolved. In this way, each step becomes that monumental change we seek. G-d has given each of us the inner strength that we need to pull ourselves higher, to overcome the challenges that make forward progress so difficult at times. We cannot be afraid of failure. Trusting in our own abilities will be all the equipment we need, along with maintaining a clear spiritual vision of what we wish to accomplish. We then discover how much of a stronghold that rock-face actually is. Tzur Yisrael – G-d is our Rock and our Foundation who redeems those who face the challenges in our weakness.
Although I have not thought about the final goal in this way before, “when one reach the top, we haven’t really conquered the mountain; we have conquered ourselves.” What a revelation this is, being able to conquer our fears, our doubts… To live life in this way is the real challenge that we all face in our fears of falling or failing. I am inspired by the following story that comes from the same d’var torah from the Salanter Foundation on Mussar or ethical education:
“There is a story of a man climbing a mountain, suddenly he misses a step and his rope breaks. As he feels himself falling, he reaches out and finds a branch to grab hold of, leaving him hanging over the edge. The man cries out, ‘G-d, I was never much of a believer before but, if you are out there, please help me now. I’ll do anything you say.’ And the man hears a voice thundering out from the Heavens. G-d answers him…. “I’m here for you. Are you sure you trust me? Will you do anything I say?” The man answers in a trembling voice, “Yes, of course, I’ll do anything. ” G-d answers, “Let go of the branch.”
QUESTION TO PONDER
Am I really ready to let go and let G-d in to my life?
